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619shepard
I have just realized how pervasive google is. A few days ago I did a search on metatarsalgia, and today a sidebar advertisement brought up adds for foot supports that relieve mortons neuroma. I'm just a little creeped out by it.
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I love love love New York. I'm so happy that I will be moving out here soon. I love not having to drive anywhere. Even the airport is great. (I'm writing this on free wi-fi, which sitting at a bar that has outlets for power.) I had an interview at LIU this past Thursday. I thought that the interview went ok. It was a group interview, so there were three other prospective students were being interviewed at the same time. I felt a little competitive and thought to my self that probably only one of us at that table was going to get in, yet afterwards I wished them luck and expressed how neat it would be if we were all in together.
On Sunday LIU had an open house which I went to, thinking that I might learn something more about the school. There was a tour which was the same as the one we were given after the interview. The faculty member who gave it addressed me by name, and when I mentioned as much he told me that I had an excellent personal statement. :D Later he asked if I had yet heard back from them. My best friend assured me that this is him practically asking when I am sending in my letter of intent. I'm so excited! Hopefully I will also hear back from Tauro and can have choices.

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Current Location: JFK airport, NY, United states
Current Mood: ecstatic ecstatic

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I don't like spring break. I don't like not having stuff to do. I don't like that my school friends are gone, and my non school friends still have lives that don't include spring break. I don't like that I am a state of poor that going anywhere which requires gas/bus fare is a strain on my finances.

I feel super alienated from everyone right now. It may be the fact that it is spring break, or it may be a symptom of my emotional state.

I went to my storage unit to get my stuff out. I gave a ton of stuff away. It has been sitting in the storage unit since June. I obviously don't need it. I'm such a hoarder though. I literally have four file boxes with stuff that I would loosely call school supplies. 3 ring binders, paper, folders, spiral notebooks etc. A bunch of them don't even have anything on them. I through out a lot of stuff today though. Notes from microbiology and chemistry which are three years ago now.

I just feel so scattered and weird. I'm trying to reassert control on my life, but I don't know that it is even out of control.

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Current Mood: weird weird

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I took a month off life. Things were going well until last week. I fully expect them to get good again. At least it is spring break.
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First of all, the birthday on LJ is not my real birthday, no need to wish me a happy one.

I got no actual presents for x-mas. I'm a little saddened by this. I told my family very specifically what I would like, and it was things within their price range. I was not given anything that I had asked for, nor anything else present like. Instead I was given money. Now I have nothing against money, indeed I rather like having money at my disposal; however I am at a state of poor that I will not "get myself something nice" with the money I was given. Instead, I will spend it on practical things that I need. Rent, food, new brakes all very practical. This means that rather than thinking about how nice it was of my parents/grandma etc. to get me something really cool, I'll probably not think of their contribution at all. I almost wish that they had given me some little memento, anything even if it cost $1 that let me know they thought about me.

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I keep a schedule because I am really a very busy person. Lately I've kept it in the form of a color coded spread sheet. (I just had to switch my pandora station because it was too energetic, and was distracting me even though I loved the song.) Last night I was talking with a friend about google calendar and how it will send you alerts to your phone for things that you put on it. I decided to set this up because while I'm pretty good at juggling all the things that I have to do, my problem comes when something is not regular. For example last quarter I missed at least two dr. appointments because they were not a part of my regular schedule. Today in setting up the calendar, it was my solid schedule -- work, school, anything that repeats all the time -- and I will be really glad to have add to it the things that are once off.

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Current Location: bed, Fremont, Ca
Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: "Gone" Matt Nathanson

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I recently just met someone at blues dancing. She is really pretty awesome, in that she really reminds me of myself, just older and with (unbelievably) more energy. I plan on hanging out with her on a regular basis once I get back to the bay area after the new year. The only thing I'm sad about is that I am planning on moving across the country in July/August in order to go to grad school. That means that everyone that I know here; everyone I've built a relationship with in the past year and a half is going to be left behind.
I feel that I don't really have the energy to try and put into really working hard at building friendships. Ones that will happen naturally and easily like this new one I will put in some effort, but I cannot really bring myself to commit to a friend who is not easy. On that note there is a person, who I thought I was well on my way to becoming good friends with that I probably will soon drop. We have been uneasy around each other since October. I think that my issues with her go further back. I was planning at the end of this past summer to move in with her when I came back from New York. Longish story short she flaked on me and I was homeless because of it. I had stopped looking for somewhere to live because she had said that we should live together. She now thinks that I am mad at her, and doesn't talk to me, because I "won't talk about it" though there really is no "it".
I've never really been super out going, and I have to admit these past 15 months have been hard on me.

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Current Location: United States, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh
Current Mood: bouncy bouncy

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I'm tied up in knots right now. This week I spent at my parents house in So-Cal. My mother and I have a very rocky relationship, and this week has not been technically speaking good. We haven't actually fought or anything, but she was super upset with me. She got mad because I wanted to spend some time with my friends Ed and Cinda, but I hadn't announced it to her before the day that it was happening. She hadn't made any plans with me, so I didn't see the harm. However she was very upset.
Later I asked her about my first panic attack. She claims to not remember it. She also denied any knowledge of other panic attacks and said that if I had them younger than about 16 I must have been hiding them from her. Yet I remember one of my early ones her trying to give me her inhaler. And another time telling me that if I kept it up I would pass out. I'm upset and angry just thinking about this. It is a common theme that my mother denies things that I remember very strongly or tells me that I remember wrong.
For example something else that came up was she asked me why I kept my legal wedding with my husband from her (I didn't tell her for almost two months). I remember her telling me when I first married him spiritually "You're fucking up your entire life". It felt as strong as if she had slapped me when she said that. But when I told her she said that, the first thing out of her mouth was "I never said that". After I insisted that she had she changed to "You took that differently than I meant it. I meant that you could, that you ruined your chance at school loans (actually I improved that), and you lost your insurance with us". I don't buy. She may have meant those things, but she delivered it in the way calculated to do the most hurt.
Now it is the last day that I am here. We have all week been talking about me going with her to her herding lesson, which she is very proud of. Then this morning I wake up and find out that she is not here. She went without me, and told my dad that she thinks that I'm not very interested. I'm so so about being there, but she made such a big deal of the fact that she wanted to have me around, and do stuff with me, that I'm confused that she left me. Moreover, I'm upset that she is making such assumptions. She never asked me recently about it, and when she asked me before, I told her that I wanted to.

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Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable

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I'm happy. I saw my first e-harmony commercial with a bi-racial couple. I've always wondered why they always show whites with whites, asians with asians etc.
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I'm so tired right now, and I have things going on that I must be at until 11

I'm very broke right now, and I don't get paid again until next Thursday.

Otherwise life is fantastic.
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