I'm tied up in knots right now. This week I spent at my parents house in So-Cal. My mother and I have a very rocky relationship, and this week has not been technically speaking good. We haven't actually fought or anything, but she was super upset with me. She got mad because I wanted to spend some time with my friends Ed and Cinda, but I hadn't announced it to her before the day that it was happening. She hadn't made any plans with me, so I didn't see the harm. However she was very upset.
Later I asked her about my first panic attack. She claims to not remember it. She also denied any knowledge of other panic attacks and said that if I had them younger than about 16 I must have been hiding them from her. Yet I remember one of my early ones her trying to give me her inhaler. And another time telling me that if I kept it up I would pass out. I'm upset and angry just thinking about this. It is a common theme that my mother denies things that I remember very strongly or tells me that I remember wrong.
For example something else that came up was she asked me why I kept my legal wedding with my husband from her (I didn't tell her for almost two months). I remember her telling me when I first married him spiritually "You're fucking up your entire life". It felt as strong as if she had slapped me when she said that. But when I told her she said that, the first thing out of her mouth was "I never said that". After I insisted that she had she changed to "You took that differently than I meant it. I meant that you could, that you ruined your chance at school loans (actually I improved that), and you lost your insurance with us". I don't buy. She may have meant those things, but she delivered it in the way calculated to do the most hurt.
Now it is the last day that I am here. We have all week been talking about me going with her to her herding lesson, which she is very proud of. Then this morning I wake up and find out that she is not here. She went without me, and told my dad that she thinks that I'm not very interested. I'm so so about being there, but she made such a big deal of the fact that she wanted to have me around, and do stuff with me, that I'm confused that she left me. Moreover, I'm upset that she is making such assumptions. She never asked me recently about it, and when she asked me before, I told her that I wanted to.
Tags: family, stress
Current Mood: uncomfortable